I am still dealing with a lot of emotion surrounding Monkey’s diagnosis. As any parent does, you have ideas of what having a child will be like and the relationship that you will have with them. Of course, reality is so very different than our thoughts but there are still some times where I would dream about Monkey’s future and wonder what subjects she will like in school, what her friends will be like, or what she might do as a career one day. Since getting the diagnosis and starting his journey however I find it difficult to think about these things.
I worry about putting these feelings down in print as I worry that societal expectations deem that these feelings are hurtful or that I should be counting my blessings instead. But, since this place is a tool to help me deal with my emotions I am going to be honest here. Of course, I love my daughter immensely and she has completely changed our life in all of the good ways. I can’t imagine our life without her.
I get caught up in the supposed to’s. For instance, by now we were supposed to be able to have conversations with her. We are supposed to have lots of pretend play. We are supposed to be dealing with lots of simging and loudness (that we get…haha) and getting glimpses of her interests and funny sayings. When I see other kids her age converse with their parents in these ways…I get jealous. The thing I desperately want more than anything is to be able to talk to her, and have her respond to my questions. It sounds like such a simple thing, but I wish for the day when that happens.
At the same time I have these jealous feelings, I also have immense guilt. Since getting her diagnosis, I have been reading a lot of other blogs from parents of children on the spectrum. I feel guilty because some of these parents are dealing with children on the more severe end of the spectrum, who may be non verbal or have significant delays, and the things that they are wishing for are the things that my daughter can do. I read their experience, and I think to myself, I should not be feeling this way. Some others have it so much harder than I do…I should be counting my blessings.
Of course, I do count my blessings…every day, but I think these feelings are natural ones to have and I need to work through them. I need to give myself time to grieve the loss of the supposed to’s so that I can be ready for figuring out how to communicate and connect with my daughter. I still yearn for the day when she asks me a question, but until then laughter, tickles, and hugs will have to do 🙂